The Tree- Audition Sides


Look, you can talk about what happened when and show everyone whatever you want,
but you’re missing the fucking point. Saga here is a thief. That’s all that matters. And I
like thieves. Thieves are my base. Hell, I steal shit all the time. But I only steal fun stuff.
Stuff that doesn’t matter. Like fifty cows from the Sun God who thinks he’s all special
because he can read books, or Neptune’s pitchfork thing because it makes me look
awesome. Or, maybe I just steal a smoking hot lady who was dumb enough to think she
had a say in the matter. And I know what you’re gonna ask, Gids. “But, Mercury, O
mighty god of cash and trickery and perfect fucking ringlet curls, how is Saga stealing a
tree or whatever any different than you stealing some cows?” Man, you’re stupid for
asking that! But, I’ll answer anyway, because I’m super nice to everyone. Stealing a tree
doesn’t matter. Stealing knowledge or wisdom doesn’t matter either. What she really
stole is our ability to make those people do whatever the fuck we want. And that shit
cannot stand. You follow me, Gids? They were clay. Statues with softer skin and bigger
dicks. Sculptures who would worship you when you told them to worship you. Pets who
couldn’t say “no.” That’s all gone, now. Now, they have thoughts about us. Questions.
Concerns. They think they have the right to live their lives the way they see fit. Is that
fucking justice? Are we gonna sit by and watch this thing crumble, because they think
they have the right to sit on top of the fucking mountain with us? (pause.) Now, let’s talk
about “Wednesday.”